Extinguishing Breath, Melted Snowflake
by aylithemerald
Summary: From Haru's POV he has always felt love for the one that he couldn't ever have. He tries so hard to get over his feelings, he represses them, and even tries to find a replacement, but it's no use. You can't change who you love. Yaoi content.
1. Confliction

Summary: From Haru's POV; he has always felt love for the one that he couldn't ever have. He tries so hard to get over his feelings, he represses them, and even tries to find a replacement, but it's no use. You can't change who you love. Do not read if you don't like yaoi.

A/N: This is my first post ever here on and I'm extremely excited. Please R&R, flames will be laughed at, constructive criticism will be taken into account. Thank you for reading!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruba, though I do in my dreams. Mmmm, sweet sweet dreams. Ok, sorry about that, on with the show!

Chapter 1: Confliction

What am I doing here? My agitation with myself almost makes me turn to leave. But I do need to see if he finished my new outfit...like that justifies my coming here. He'll know the reason I'm here, just as I do. He'll see it in my eyes and he'll look straight through me with his golden stare and touch me and I won't be able to refuse him anything.

I see it all happen in my mind exactly as it has happened so many times before...though I know it's wrong, I can't stay away. He reminds me too much...

He startles me out of my reverie by opening the door to his shop. A smile seemingly skips onto his lips. All he needs to do is utter my name and I am already his...

"Hatsu."

Sorry, I know that it's really short. Most of my chapters are short, but I started writing this awhile ago and have about twelve already written, so I will be updating almost everyday for awhile. Hopefully, that will work out pretty well. Thanks for reading and review please!


	2. Substitution

A/N: I decided that since the length of my chapters is inexcusable, I would post two a day. That means I need to start writing more, but I don't want to keep you guys in suspense! Please R&R, flames will be laughed at, constructive criticism taken into account. Thank you for reading!

Chapter 2: Substitution

I rock into you and imagine it's him instead. Your ankles dangle over my shoulders as you moan underneath my heavy breathing. Sweat glistens all over my young, finely toned body. You look up at me, lust emanating in almost waves, begging me to touch you. I delicately trace your slit and run my nail under the seam of the head. You hiss in pain and pleasure. The smile and flash in my eyes make yours widen in trepidation. You still have bruises from the last time I went black during sex. But it has been so long since I've had you, I can't hold back...

The change is instantaneous. I squeeze the shaft of your cock in my hand, disregarding how much pain you are probably experiencing. All I know is that you arch up into my hand and I take that as a good sign. You writhe on the sheets, agony and bliss wrapped together. You are the only one,...the only one I enjoy while I am in black mode.

Suddenly, I exit you and grab you by your hair. You submit and let me take control, despite the fact that you are several years my elder. I kiss you hard, biting your lip, and the force my thrashing tongue in to your mouth so deep, so hard...I nip and nibble, bruises inevitably marring your milky flesh, sometimes I even draw blood and lap it up. Next thing I realize, I have flipped you over onto your belly and have one of your arms twisted behind your back. I am thrusting my cock into you from behind and you are futilely trying to support yourself with the shoulder of your restrained arm and your other hand is pressed against the wall to stop your head from going through it. My hand is occupied with the job of beating you off.

The room starts to grow hazy with white fire, burning everything in sight. My eyelids shudder and my body quivers with release as I reach my climax. We simultaneously let out moans of ecstasy as our seed stains your sheets and our already slick bodies. I collapse onto your back, letting out a sigh as my arms fall and hang on either side of you. You roll over onto your back and I snuggle up on your belly, having already reverted back into my white form, trying to recover my breath and reach a normal breathing pattern.

"I'm' sorry...I tried to stop, but I couldn't help it. I tried not to switch,...really, I did. I just-"

"Shhhhh, it's alright. You should know by now that I enjoy you going black...even if I do typically feel quite sore afterwards. Besides, I know how much you need this."

Your next words cut me so deep, to my bones...but only because of their piercing truth.

"It can only be assumed that you come to me because you can't have who you really love. I do not blind myself to that fact. I have been aware of it ever since I first welcomed you into my bed."

"Aya...I-"

Your lips hush my words, catching them in your mouth.

"Hatsu, I don't regret anything. If you come again...I'll accept again and again. I know what it is like to love one that is unobtainable. If being with me eases that pain inside you, I will always allow you inside me..."

It was my lips this time that found yours. I could think of no other way to show you my thankfulness. The words wouldn't have been enough, or they wouldn't have come out right. When I pulled away, your eyes let me know that you understood.

I watched you sleep, my fingertips outlining your body, tracing the bruises I left on your flesh. Then I got dressed and left you sleeping alone in your soiled bed.


	3. Natural Cleansing

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. I've been sick and my internet has been down. But it is fixed now and I will continue to update on a more regualr basis. Thank you for your reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruba, I will never own Fruba, no matter how much I wish for it to be so.

Chapter 3- Natural Cleansing

The graying clouds above me put me in a melancholy-like state. My skin is still aflame with the warmth of Ayame, his scent still upon my skin. The various buckles on my boots jingle free in sync with the thud of my feet pounding the ground with each step. I hadn't bothered with fastening them in my haste to leave. It wasn't that I needed to be away from Ayame, per se, but that I needed to be away from everybody, everything. I always feel so soiled after sex. I pull the fur collar of my coat around my neck and look for shelter as I feel the fall of the first raindrop. The next one falls on my cheek, reminding me of the tears I shed earlier and would most likely shed tonight in my lonely bed. I lift my head towards the sky. My face is covered with the heaven's tears, which seem to make mine seem insignificant. My arms rise up, almost on their own, until my body resembles the cross around my neck. And I stand there, wishing that the rain would wash it all away...standing there, thinking of all the wrong things that I wanted, needed to happen for my true happiness...standing there wishing for a release, yet relishing in my pain, the one thing that was constant in my life...standing there getting soaked from the rain that soaked to my bone, yet didn't take anything away from me. The light drizzle had grown to a downpour. I could feel the raindrops all over, trying to purify my sin, my guilt, my love...

Thank you for reading! Please review, flames will be scoffed at, constructive criticism will be taken into consideration. Thanks to Julie who helped edit. Love to you honey!


	4. Diagnosis

A/N: Second chapter for the day. Hope you enjoy it! Please review! Thank you!

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it, only in my sweet, sweet dreams.

Chapter 4- Diagnosis

I'm still not sure how long I stood there like that, hopelessly trying to purge myself of something embedded so deep into my soul that it couldn't be removed. I barely remember any of the thoughts that raced through my mind. The only clear thing is when Hatori placed his tentative and beckoning hand on my shoulder. It was that human contact that pulled me out of my twisted baptism. At first, I just looked blankly at him, until I hung my head with shame and guilt. I had made Ha-san go through all the trouble of worry and retrieval.

If only Aya hadn't said...

I knew who he meant, just as he could so plainly see my love. Some people can have sex with someone and leave that person with no knowledge of who they really are. I can't, when I am that exposed before a person, it is not only my body that is bared. The only time I can is when I am in black mode. I used hate my black form, just as I'm sure Kyo hates his other form. I used to be convinced that I really was a fool then, but now I realize that my other form is still who I am...it can't be changed. It can't be ignored. There is always that imperfect balance between good and evil in a person. Mine is just more obvious and separate. Sometimes I wonder what a shrink would say about my "personality disorder." Then again, if anyone in our family needs to see a head doctor, it's Akito. He's a psychologist's wet dream...or worst nightmare. His brain is so twisted that analyzing him may even make his psychologist lose it himself...in fact, I can see that as being exactly Akito's goal. I pity the person who ever tries to heal him.


	5. Examination

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! Here's the next chapter. Please let me know what you all think of it! ENJOY!

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it. Dammnit...

Chapter 5- Examination

"Sit up."

He said only instructions as he examined me. It was all he needed to say. I knew he was worried about me. He kept looking at me with his sympathetic, estranged look. He was too gentle...as if I were fragile.

"Look straight ahead." I almost didn't even notice the blinding white light he shone into my eyes. I knew it was there, but I didn't bother with squinting...it didn't really matter.

"Look up. . .ok. . .now down." Then the light was gone. It wasn't relief, or even a thought really,...just a recognition.

"Physically, I'm seriously concerned about you. I know you aren't eating and your extreme lack of sleep isn't helping matters. If this doesn't change, I will have to put you on a supplement diet, and there are always sleeping pills. But I don't want to have to do that. Sometimes, those things can cause more problems than they solve."

The silence eats into me as I stare blankly at him, unfalling tears making pools of my eyes.

"A lot of people are worried about you, at least put forth an effort for them. Momiji and I are concerned...even Yuki has talked to me about you. If you won't do it for us, at least do it for him."

So even he knew. How ironic that he was trying to cure me with the cause. It's like digging into a wound to make it heal. My unseeing eyes say more than words possibly could. He knows that he has hit a vein, but it isn't having the reaction he was hoping for. He had gone too far...and he knew it.

"Are we finished here? I want to go to bed." My tone is the coldest I've ever used with Hatori...well, not counting when I'm in black mode. Without even waiting for his reply, I leave him behind, his eyes wide with surprise, hurt, and defeat.


	6. Escape

Diclaimer: I don't own Fruba, I will never own Fruba, nor will that ever change. How much does that suck?

Chapter 6- Escape

My room seems more like a cell than place of sanctuary. The darkness smothers me...I'm drowning in black...I feel the change coming on before I even realize it. It's getting harder to sense it now. I don't know exactly how to describe it, the change I mean. The closest thing I can think of isn't even my own words. I was watching TV once and they were interviewing this guy who had murdered his wife. He was talking about the rush the kill had given him. He said, "It was like all the weights that had been holding me back from doing what I wanted to do were lifted. I was free to do whatever my heart desired without even considering the consequences...that's what it really came down to, I knew there were going to be consequences for my actions, but I really didn't give a damn."

He ended up getting away with temporary insanity and was sent to an institution. Heh, maybe that's where I belong.

Black Haru's winning inside my head...he'll be here in a minute. I can typically hold him back pretty easily, around typical situations, but lately, I'm losing what little control I had.

But I never really had control of anything. There's only one person that I feel right with, that I feel like me. Not White Haru, or Black Haru, but just Haru.

I'm so fucking sick of sitting around waiting for him to acknowledge my existence. I know he sees me as his friend but it's hard for even his friends to crack the wall he's built around himself. It's because of Akito, the fucking bastard. He doesn't want anyone to touch his "precious Yuki." Well, I'm tired of just sitting back in the shadows! Fuck Akito and his mind games! I'm not going to hide and wait anymore! I will not just watch from a corner as he takes Yuki away!

As I left the main house, I didn't even look behind me. All I could focus on was my destination and the satisfaction I was certain to receive.

I'm so evil. what happens next? Well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see! Mwahahahahaha!


	7. Confession

Disclaimer: I don't own it!

Chapter 7- Confession

The front door was unlocked as always. I didn't even stop to take my boots off. They were eating dinner, but when I slammed the door, all eyes were on me. I could tell by the way they were all looking at me- with caution and fear from a few- that they could tell I was in my black form. I stood in the doorway, breathing heavily from my long run there. I was staring into his violet pools. I knew I could lose myself in their silk, and I couldn't allow that to happen, so I chose to look just below them.

"Just what the hell do you want! Can't you see that we're-"

"Shut up, you dumb fucking cat. I'm not here to deal with you, but provoke me again, and I'll take you out before you can even blink." I looked at him, sitting there with a worried and slightly hesitant look in his violet eyes. "Yuki, I need to talk to you." He hesitated and glanced at her, and it pained my heart.

"NOW!"

He winced a bit at my harsh tone, but rose obediently. Everyone else watched silently as he followed me through the door.

Once we were outside, I didn't speak right away. I hadn't really thought this out, I had just acted.

"Haru..." His voice breaks into my thoughts, and I can't be angry with his for this...I can't be angry with him for anything.

"What's wrong? I know how you've been acting. Not eating or sleeping...and now this? I don't understand you anymore. For the first time ever, I don't know what's happening to my best friend. And it's worrying me half to death."

All my earlier anger drained away. I had returned to my normal state. And I was now regretting coming here at all. I didn't know what to say, so I just wrapped my arms around myself and kept quiet. He saw that I was no longer Black Haru, though it didn't matter to him, he was still just as worried about me...and just as persistent.

"Look, I know that you're hiding something from me...and it's eating you up inside. If you don't want to tell me, fine...but don't let it hurt you like this, talk to someone. But I really wish you felt you could confide in me. You should know that nothing you say would diminish my image of you."

I looked at him, and let myself be swept up in his purple eyes. I knew that if I said what I wanted to- no needed to say,...it would ruin us, our friendship. And I imagined me telling him, and his disgust at the discovery, and tears came. I stood there hugging myself and crying and I never felt so alone.

Then I felt his slender, strong arms wrap around me and pull me close. My body stiffened, and I tried to pull away, but he held me firmly and wouldn't allow it.

"I'm not just going to let you shut me out. It's fine if you don't want to tell me the cause, but I will not just stand here as you cry...I won't."

I accepted my friend's comfort and stained his shirt with my tears. And as I stood there, the object of my complete adoration with his arms around me, I felt absolute peace. My tears ended, but I didn't pull away, I couldn't. I never wanted to let him go. I could have stood there like that forever. Finally, he released me, but he didn't pull away too far, and I kept close to him. I looked up into his violet pools, and on an act of either courage or stupidity, I leaned up and matched my lips to his. He didn't flinch or jerk away; in fact he returned my affection. My love and lust for him combined and coursed through my body, increasing my heart and setting my skin aflame. I embraced his body and pulled him so close.

Suddenly, the importance of my actions slapped me in the face; the shame of tainting his perfection overcame me. I broke the kiss and slowly backed away from him. He gave me a look of curiosity. I did the first thing that came to mind. I turned and retreated into the woods.

Poor Haru! Why do I torture you so?


	8. Confusion

Disclaimer: Nope

Chapter 8- Confusion

I don't remember coming here. I don't remember walking inside. But I remember the look of worry across his face and concern for me seemed to be all the mattered. He caught me as I fell from exhaustion. The last thing I remember seeing is gold...

BLACK. . . .

That's all I see- a black nothingness.

Completely void.

Nothing at all. . .

Then, a gold ring appears, almost like a plain wedding band, floating against the dark backdrop. It starts to spin around and around, resembling a coin on its side. Inside the spinning, a light is generated, starting out a little white dot. And as the light pulses, I hear my name being called from within, "Hatsu. . . ."

The ring continues to spin, growing in speed and the light keeps growing, getting bigger, to where it is now bigger than the ring, and I can barely even see the gold on top of the blinding white.

"Hatsu. . ."

Suddenly, a sword made entirely of silver with an amethyst set hilt, plunges down, spearing the ring. And the sword seems to be-

"Hatsu.."

absorbing the light.

"Hatsu."

"Hatsu. . .wake up."

I open my eyes and Aya is standing over me. I shoot up, trying to be able to leave, but dizziness overwhelms me and I lie back down moaning.

"You've been out for about fifteen minutes. I thought about calling Ha-san, but I didn't think calling the main house at this time of night would be a good idea. You can just sleep here tonight and I'll drive you home in the morning."

He got up and made as to leave the room.

"Wait. Please...please don't leave me alone right now."

He smiled knowingly and with a slight nod of his head, he made his way back over to the bed. He laid down next to me and took me in his arms as a mother would her child.

I could smell the intoxicating jasmine perfume coming off his hair. I breathed it in; I found its scent slightly comforting.

"Aren't you even the little bit curious why I'm here, in this state?"

"I figure that it is something that greatly affected you. The wound was just inflicted, the pain is too great for you right now, too recent. If you want to tell me you can, but I'm not going to push, I am here if you need me though."

I opened my mouth, but I didn't know where to start or what to say. Clips and images flashed through my mind.

"I've...I've ruined everything..."

That was as much as I got out, because my tears choked the rest of it in my throat. There was nothing I could do to stop them. He pulled me a little closer and let me dampen his shirt with my unworthy tears. We stayed that way for quite awhile- him holding me, slowly stroking my hair lovingly, while I cried and cried until I had no more tears left. I just laid there sniffling. Despite the utter pain that stabbed me from the inside, I was comforted more than I ever have been.

After I stopped crying, I just laid there in his arms, enjoying the warmth of his body next to mine.

"I don't understand you. You know that you are only a substitute, yet you continue to allow me to come to you. Even when I'm a complete mess like this. When I showed up on your doorstep an emotional train wreck, all you do is offer me a shoulder to cry on. I don't deserve someone like you...I don't deserve anything."

"I help you because I want to, not because I'm a good person. In all actuality, I'm doing it for my own benefit. It makes me feel like good about myself, even if only for a second, because in my heart, I know that I'm only doing this for me. Allowing you into my bed, provides me with satisfaction beyond belief. Plus, my attachment to you has grown to something beyond physical..."

He placed his delicate hand under my chin and tilted my head up, so he could look me in the eyes. A cynical grin graced his lips and he gave a slight chuckle.

"Who would have thought that the one and only person I could never have, would be the one I fell in love with?"

And the plot thickens!


	9. Conflict and Tears

Disclaimer: I don't own it. So, please, please don't sue me! I am but a humble college student. I have none of the monies!

Chapter 9- Conflict and Tears

My wide eyes brimmed with tears...I didn't know what to say...

"Aya.."

"Don't...don't pity me or feel sorry for me. I don't expect you to do anything...I just thought that perhaps you should know...Anyways, you seem to be more emotionally stable now. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Any sign of sadness or hurt was immediately and completely gone from his shining smile that he sends my way.

"Aya, don't you think that we should talk about this? I mean, this is a big deal. How long has it been?"

"...There's no reason to go there Haru. What matters now is your pain. Please, tell me-"

"Don't you change the subject. Damnit, Aya...how long?"

My persistent glare told him I wasn't going to back down now. He threw a contemptible, slightly exasperated look at me.

"I don't know when it first happened. I just remember looking over at you as you slept...and I knew that I didn't want anybody else at my side. You don't know what that's like for me. I'm the family whore, right? Never once have I ever thought that about anybody else. Ever since you and I have been sleeping together, I've stopped going to bars and picking up guys, they just weren't the same; they were just meaningless lays. I've always loved that kind of sex, complete unattachment. But it just became...empty." He tried to smile at me, but I saw the tears in his golden eyes. "It wasn't like I could just overlook these feelings...they probably don't even mean anything. I just thought that you needed to know, but now...I don't know, I'm almost sorry I said anything. Now please, leave it alone. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Tell me what happened."

"Fine, but don't even think this is the end of this." I didn't know where to start.

"I've ruined everything...after Hatori took me home, I went to my room and I just laid there, feeling the dark smother me. I started to get more and more pissed off, but I don't even know at what anymore. I guess the whole damn world. Anyway, I went into my black form and then went to Gure's house. I took Yuki outside and as soon as I looked at him, with that stupid, worried look on his face...all hatred evaporated and it was just me standing there in front of him. I got so frustrated with myself, I started to cry. He took me in his arms and tried to get me to tell him what was wrong...but I couldn't find the words. How could I tell him that I was slipping into depression because I knew that I could never have him? So I followed my heart and...and...I kissed him. I knew that I shouldn't. If Akito finds out, the shit will really hit the fan, but that's not even my main concern. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. I ran away and just left him standing there, confused. I think he tried to follow me for awhile, but I can't really remember much before I saw your shop. He's never going to even want to look at me after this, it was bad before, but at least I could be around him. But now,...now he won't want anything to do with me! I don't know..." My tears had returned. "I don't know if I could...if I could take that." Way too many times have my words been cut off by my sobs tonight. I couldn't go on...and once again, he pulled me close to try to comfort me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know where to go...there's nowhere that I feel safe...I didn't know what to do...I knew you'd be here and that you would give me what I wanted, what I needed."

"Haru, you don't need to be sorry. How many times do I have to tell you that as long as you continue to come to me, I will always be here for you, even if you never feel for me as I do for you. That's what it means to love someone."

Confusion seemed to be the theme of the night. I was at a loss of words, once again. I knew that he knew the gratitude I had for him, but I had to show him. And show him I did, in the only way that I could think of.

I think a kiss was the last thing you expected at that moment, but you didn't seem to think it inappropriate...I guess that you never find anything inappropriate, though. You kissed me back, but not the harsh, lustful, needy kisses of the past. This kiss was like silk...it wasn't just your lips kissing me, but you were using your whole heart. I wrapped my arms around you and lowered you onto the bed. I was moving up to straddle you when I felt you hand stop me.

"You don't-"

"Shhhh. . .I know. I want to. This may be the last time, so shut up and enjoy it." You feel my smile through my kiss and graciously return it.

We undress each other quickly. Why you didn't lock the front door, I'll never know.


	10. Tragedy

Disclaimer: I don't own the thing. Don't sue. Ok, now you can read. Enjoy!

Chapter 10- Tragedy

Sex. The air is permeated with it. The smell of sweat and cum fills my lungs with every heavy pant. We've been at it for hours; I've lost count as to how many times we've spent each other, but the need is always still there, and so we continue...

Your moans of pleasure are only equaled by my screams of ecstasy as I pound into you.

Then, we are interrupted by the ringing of your phone. I hesitated, giving you a questioning glance.

"Don't, please don't stop. I'm so,...I'm so close."

That was all the reassurance I needed. I began thrusting into you with renewed vigor. You writhe in bliss underneath my pounding hand. I feel you pulse against my palm and I know that you are very close. I give one last final jerk and you cum all over my hand and your stomach. You clench and unclench and clench around my sex and I release myself into you once again.

I don't even bother pulling out of you this time. I can tell by the way you're nibbling on my ear that there will be more. But you surprise me by pulling back, unsheathing me.

"What's wrong?" I say as you act as if you're getting up to leave. Panic courses through me as I think that I wronged you somehow. "Did I do-" Your fingers upon my lips hush me.

"I just wanted to try something else."

Now, I'm on my back and somehow, you've come to be on top of me. Your lips meet mine and I open them to allow your tongue entrance. Out tongues dance around each other, almost like marionettes.

"Mmmmm,...you taste good, but I want more."

Then something happened inside me. For some reason, I let you take control. Never before have I submitted to you, I'm always the one in control. I lay there as you move down my chest, licking, kissing, nipping your way down, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I loved the feeling that came with giving you the reins. I just laid there, and did absolutely nothing, but relish in the pleasure you were giving me. I felt your tongue flit across the head of my already hard again arousal and let my eyelids slide down, moaning without restraint. You envelop me with your mouth, and I automatically thrust up with my hips. You sense my need for more, and pull back in order to spread my legs. You sheath yourself inside me, and I'm lost in the ecstasy of your sex. I move my hips to match your set rhythm. All I feel is bliss and I call out your name through my heavy panting.

"AYAME!"

You start to move faster, and take my pulsing member in your hand, pumping in sync with your thrusts.

Then, tragedy hits. . .beneath our moans of abandon, I hear a gasp. But you don't notice it and keep going. I turn my head toward the door and I see him. The shock and pain and. . .yes, disgust. . . utter disgust. He hates me. . . he despises me. . . he will want nothing at all to do with me . . . . .

. . . . He hates me.

Oh, yeah, I'm evil.


	11. Ruined

Disclaimer: No, I don't own it.

Chapter 11- Ruined

I sit up abruptly, all but throwing Aya off of me onto to the floor.

"Haru, what the hell are you doing! I was starting to get close! What is your-" He sees.

The entire room is perfectly silent and still, except my and Ayame's ragged, breath. You stand at the door, a mixture of disgust and disbelief evident on your face. Then I watched as shock turned to hurt and tears filled your violet eyes.

"Yuki-"

"Don't. Just don't. You don't have to explain anything to me. I guess I misunderstood. I'll leave now."

You turned and walked away. Aya looked at me from where he was sitting on the floor, telling me he was sorry with his eyes.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't just let you leave like that. I grabbed my pants and went after you.

"Yuki!"

You ignore me, but start running instead of walking.

"Yuki, please. . .stop!"

You turn around and throw out your arms.

"Why? Why should I!"

"Because. . .because I love you!"

There, I said it. I don't know why, I don't know what I thought it would solve, I just had to. I knew I shouldn't have though as soon as I saw the incredulous look on your face.

"Love! You say you love me! That's not what it looked like in there! How can you say you love me and be fucking my brother! How does that even begin to make sense! If that's what you call love. . .I don't want your love!" You spat that last word at me with utter contempt.

I knew I should try to go after you and explain, come up with something that would help me keep you, but the truth is, I never had you. You were right. You deserved better than me, better than my twisted love. So I just dropped to my knees and watched you retreat, while my heart bled and tears rolled down my cheeks.

I knew it. . .I knew I'd ruin everything. . .

Please review! Flames will be laughed at greatly, while constructive criticism will be taken into account! Thanks alot for reading!


	12. Aftermath

Disclaimer: While I do not own Fruba, this story is an original work of fanfiction and it does belong to me. There, I can actually claim something as mine. Hurrah!

Chapter 12- Aftermath

In the following weeks Hatori congratulated me on eating my dinners. He didn't know that I hardly slept, and when I did it was out of utter exhaustion. Typically, I just laid in my bed, crying as the house around me slumbered. He knew something had happened. He could see it in my slow actions. I was even more dismal now. . .I hadn't thought that was possible. I seemed to be going through the routine of my life like an unfeeling zombie. Whenever anyone addressed me, I rarely heard them and they had to repeat themselves several times, just to get my attention. After awhile, they stopped trying, telling themselves that I would eventually get over it. That I was only going through that funk every teenager experiences. And I didn't correct them. I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. I'd probably do something to ruin them as well. I hadn't had any contact with Yuki since that horrible, inevitable day. He avoided me at every cost at school, which wasn't very hard, since I was doing the same to him. How could I explain it to him? Even I barely comprehended why I had done the things that I had, so how could I make him understand? I hadn't been back to see Ayame either. He had called several times to see if I was okay, but I told Hatori that I didn't want to talk to anyone. After so many of Hatori's excuses, he stopped. Even Momiji couldn't convince me to get out of the house. I just laid on my floor in my room and listened to music. He valiantly tried to get me to go see a movie, or go to the park with Kisa, but I just kept telling him to leave me alone.

I sometimes snuck out at night, to wander the streets. I wasn't wary of muggers. I dared anyone to step into my path. I don't know if I would have fought somebody, or if I would have just let them kill me. I didn't have to worry though because I didn't go on any streets that weren't deserted. I rarely ever even saw anybody. I didn't even care if I got lost. There were several instances where I just kept walking. I eventually got somewhere I recognized, or Hatori would drive up next to me and tell me to get in the car. I'd get the "I was so worried about you" speech. And go to my room as soon as we returned home.

One day, I was eating lunch underneath the tree that had been my spot ever since I distanced myself, when Yuki came outside with that girl. I liked her, she was nice, but I knew he had feelings for her. She was what he deserved, not something like me. The jealousy I hold for her was unstoppable. I quickly hid myself behind some bushes, so he wouldn't see me and I'd have that pain of seeing him emanate disgust and hatred at me. I tried to just ignore them, but their conversation kept breaking into my thoughts.

"Yuki-san, I'm worried about you. I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything that's troubling you."

"I doubt that your mother gave you advice on the situation I'm in Miss Honda. I don't mean that as an insult, it's just that this is a very unusual situation and I don't think that you or anyone else can do anything to help it. I'm sorry. Thank you, though."

"Oh, I see. Well, sometimes just talking about my problems helps. Do you think it would help you?"

"No, thank you. But I think I need to figure this out on my own."

"Oh. . .ok. Well, how are the strawberries coming along? The last batch was wonderful! It's so great how you have that talent Yuki-san!" I could feel her beaming smile from here.

"They're turning out okay. Umm, Miss Honda, may I ask you something?"

"Of course! Yuki-san can ask me a question any time he wants."

There was a short pause then, "Don't you think that it's time to go back inside?"

"Oh, of course. I completely forgot! Oh, we'd better hurry or we'll be late!"

My footing shifted and a glance over his shoulder told me he knew I was hiding there, behind the bushes. Too shameful to even face up to my mistakes.

That was the first time I had even heard his voice since. . .well, since my failure. Apparently, he had been distressed from the situation I threw him into. He didn't want to talk about it to her, because of his obvious embarrassment. She isn't exactly the person I'd want to discuss anything sexual, let alone a situation this messed up. But, he almost said something. I wonder what he was going to ask her. I guess I'll never find out. It's not like he actually would talk to me, and I'm not going to follow him around listening to every conversation he has with everyone he talks to. I wasn't even meaning to listen in on this one. But, I knew he'd rather have me hiding in the dirt, than to have to see my face.


	13. The Summoning

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Don't sue me. Now read and enjoy!

Chapter 13- The Summoning

About a week after I hid from Yuki, I was summoned to see Akito. I hadn't been to see him since before I started seeing Ayame. That was about four or five months ago. He had told me to stay away from Yuki. In my distress, I hadn't known what to do, so I just went about my business as usual. When I went to Aya's shop later that day, for my fitting, my emotions took over. It happened so fast, that I didn't even know what was happening until it was almost over and I climaxed for the first time inside of him.

Akito didn't typically leave me alone for this long. He knows how I feel for Yuki, and he despises the fact. He tried to keep us apart in the beginning, when I first developed feelings for him. He would punish me with whippings and many beatings for every time I would spend time with him. But he quickly learned that I wasn't responsive to this type of persuasion. The beatings became worse, yet I never backed away from seeing Yuki. In fact, he was the only reason I made it through that time. No matter how badly I was hurt, I knew that I would always beat Akito at his own game. I knew that no matter what, no matter how much pain I would be in, just seeing him and spending my time with him, was worth it. And now, I've ruined it.

So, I made an appointment with him for the next day, and ran through my head what I could be in trouble for. Then, it dawned on me. But I don't know how he could know anything. I decided to just wait until the next day to find out.

Despite my decision, I was up half the night, tossing and turning. Nightmares of the past beatings haunted me throughout the night. When I awoke, I was so terrified, I would lay wide-eyed in the dark, not wanting to face the images that filled my eyes when I closed them.


	14. Day of Judgment

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. The chaos in my life lately is just phenomenal. But please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket, or Fruba as it is fondly know as to me and my friends. Though the following story and concept are mine alone, the characters belong to Natsuki Takaya. Thank you, have a nice day.

------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 14: Day of Judgment

I arose the next morning, so sure of my plight, dreading the agony that was sure to come. When you go into a situation expecting the absolute worse, you'll never be disappointed. I dressed fairly quickly, donning my ceremonial kimono I always wore whenever I was sent for. I think he required it, just to try to make us even more uncomfortable. He never overlooks anything. The thoughts racing through my head were scattered, disconnected. Worries plagued my mind, infecting it to a smoldering point. Emotions flooded through me. I hated not knowing.

Hatori was there to collect me at ten o'clock sharp. Usually, he comes a few minutes early, as to not keep Akito waiting. When he arrived, I knew it was bad. Although his expression was forcefully blank, his haphazard appearance and tardiness spoke for itself. Not a word was uttered as we made our way across the compound. The weather was beautiful. The clear blue sky seemed to mock the jumbled feelings I had swarming around inside of me.

As soon as we entered the building that Akito's room was located in, I could hear his rantings. He must have been yelling at some defenseless housekeeper or servant. If he were already this enraged, then it meant that the day ahead of me was to prove difficult indeed. Hatori and I both knelt in front of Akito's door. I drew a long, deep breath as he gently knocked. Suddenly, the commotion inside ceased and a quiet whisper of a voice called out, "Enter." It was hard to believe that this was the same voice that had sturck fear into my heart.

He seemed oddly calm, laying at the front of the room, playing with his little bird that always seemed to be around. Why it hadn't flown away when his temper was lost a few seconds ago, was completely lost to me. He looked up absentmindedly and spoke.

"Ah, I see our guest has finally arrived. Please so come in and join us."

Us? It was only then that I realized he was not alone in the room. My eyes went wide with understanding as I saw Yuki kneeling over to Aktio's right.


	15. Self Deprecation

A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay in this chapter. It's been too long. I have recently been having a lot of medical issues and hospital stays, and extra hours at work to pay for said hospital visits have consumed all of my time. I have finally gotten around to getting back to my fic and am already starting Chapter 16. This chapter is a little longer than the other ones, I hope you enjoy! Please review and let me know if you like it.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, but I could have Haru. . . Mmm, yah, that'd be nice. A pet Haru to play with in my down time. Yummy.

Chapter 15: Self-Depreciation

We sat there in silence. The air continuing to thicken as the tension grew tighter and tighter, heavier and heavier, until it was so smothering, I thought that there was no way I could keep on breathing. This was a ploy Akito executed often, and I had become so accustomed to it before now, that it rarely worked on me. This certain situation however, had me aching in anxiousness. Whether there were ravings or beatings or taunting to ensue, I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to be out of this room, away from Akito, away from him. He sat there his eyes not meeting mine, whenever I chanced to glance up at him. I couldn't tell if it was from shame or justification. Satisfaction to cause me as much hurt as I had caused him. Betrayal was something that has always been my greatest fear. That was why I understood how hopeless the entire thing was. I had betrayed my love. It only made sense that he had confessed everything to Akito. Sting where it hurt the most.

"Certain occurrences have been brought to my attention, Hatsuharu, and I have to tell you, they do not please me at all. To think that someone in our family could behave such as you have is appalling. You know full well what kind of standing we have in this society and to bring attention to our family, I believe I do not need to explain the problems this could cause."

I was attempting, and failing, to hide the fact that I was shaking from head to foot. If only he weren't here watching. If only he wouldn't witness this. If only I could explain everything to him. This isn't how I wanted our first meeting since the episode to go.

"However, I'm a bit hazy on the details." Here his voice strained and Yuki clenched his fist, and though his eyes had been fixed on the floor in front of him, he turned his head to the side. So he hadn't told Akito. I turned my eyes toward him, questioningly. Why would he refrain from the opportunity to expose me? It is known procedure to not speak unless spoken to, and to leave a question unanswered was punishable in the worst ways.

"Your affections have not been a well-kept secret for a very long time now. The object of those," he sneered, "feelings was protected from what they could cause. You chose to take actions to undo all of that protection I so dutifully and carefully provided."

He rose and started to walk toward me very deliberately slow. Letting me know that with every footstep, my doom grew just a little more and a little closer.

"Not only this, but you have caused several of the other members of this family to go out of their way to cater to your every need these past weeks, leaving those who were in much greater need." Of course, he meant himself. "To call away a sick man's doctor to pick up a moody teen is abominable and selfish behavior. Your grades are slowly declining, and your teachers have reported that you are constantly daydreaming and your attention is, to say the least, lacking. They have started asking questions about how your home life is. To bring that kind of attention to the family puts us all in in an extreme amount of danger. Can you even begin to grasp what being discovered would do to this family!"

He was shouting now. It always got worse when he shouted. Even if he was shouting about something that was perfectly logical, he sounded absolutely insane. He had, of course, reached me by this time and just had continued to glare down at me, showing his superiority, his power. He leaned down, taking my chin into his delicately long fingers, grasping it with surprising strength. That something so frail could be that strong was just scary. When he spoke again, he had closed up again and his voice was just barely above a whisper.

"But the very worst act that you have performed in these last weeks was to touch something that was clearly not yours. Now, we've had discussions about the consequences of those actions before. I believe that I have given you too many warnings, been too lenient. The fact that you continue to disregard my word, which is law, shows not only your disrespect, but also your inability to follow simple directions. Therefore, you must deal with the consequences of your actions." He continued to be indifferent to Yuki's presence in the room. He stood up, and entwining his fingers into my hair, pulled me to the front of the room where he laid down. In order to keep up with him, I had to do an awkward combination of crawling and balancing on my knees. He took his previous spot at the front of the room, and kept a hold of my hair, so that when he was declined, I was bowing, my nose almost touching the floor.

"Now, I will ask you once and only once to explain yourself. You should choose your words wisely, because I do not need to elaborate on how thin the ice is upon which you step."

His questioning gaze penetrating me, violating me. And I say the only thing that I have left to say. The only option that is available.

"It was my fault, everything was. As you said before, my affections had been known for a long time, and repressed as they were, it was only a matter of time that they surfaced. So, I . . . I forced myself onto him. I held him down and forced him to kiss me. But he put up a struggle, and managed to hit me in the face, and then ran away. I know that he wasn't mine; I knew that he couldn't ever be mine, but I stole that one moment away. I just had to. Afterwards, I told him that if he ever told anyone about it, that I would track him down and do so many more things, worse things to him that would put him through hell. I was grasping at straws. I knew that it would come to this. I accept fully the punishment of his not speaking. It comes upon my shoulders solely. But I do not regret what I did. I would do it again right here in this very r-"

That was all that I got out. The hand wound tightly in my hair lifted my head and the floor came up to meet me again and again. The room becoming nothing but a blur. And then, everything went black. Peaceful, comforting pain. Empty nothingness in which I could hide, if only for a little while.

Yes, another cliffie, I know you guys hate it, but that's what I do. You know how I love to make you squirm. BTW, feel free to email me at and let me know if you have any questions or just want to discuss my fic, or Fruba in general. Thanks for reading!


	16. Punishment

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

Chapter 16: Punishment

The first thing that I was aware of was that I couldn't move. Some force was holding me down. I was laying on my stomach on the floor. I attempted to lift my arms and sit upright, but something held them. I opened my eyes and saw the bonds. Black leather strips wound tightly around my flesh, almost cutting off circulation. A try at moving my feet concluded that the same bonds them as well. Whoever it was that tied me down removed my clothes as well. At least I didn't have to wear that uncomfortable kimono anymore. I always felt awkward in that thing. Nakedness was something I was more accustomed to. Then, it all came back to me. Yuki refusing to sell me out, Akito on his power trip as always and me taking the blame. And he had bought it. He believed me. Rage makes people stupid, it blinds them to the truth. And I had inspired a lot of rage in Akito this time. Maybe I had taken it too far. But I had to get his attention off of Yuki's refusal. That had to appear insignificant next to what I had said. I gave my surroundings another look around. I had never seen this room before. The tools on the wall made me shiver. Just the thought of what he was going to do to me, made me start to panic. I had to get out of here. I don't know how long he's going to leave me alone in here. However, no matter how hard I struggled and pulled, the bonds did not give an inch; in fact, tugging at them had made them tighter. I finally admitted defeat, and lay on the floor like a dead marionette waiting for my puppet master. And the door opened, my doom's shadow sweeping over me, the only cover I had for my nakedness.  
"It's time for a bit of fun. A redemption of sorts. If you behave, you may survive. Heh, who am I kidding? You have already misbehaved enough to seal your fate"  
And the pain started.

A/N: I know, you all hate me for my cliffies, but it's how I roll. Plus, it keeps all of you coming back for more, eating right out of the palm of my hand----Wait, bad Olivia. Sorry, I'm still in Akito mode. So, umm, yah, thanks for reading. Promise I'll try to update sooner next time. 


	17. Torture

A/N: I am so sorry to my readers that it took so long for this chapter to go up. I hope you like it as much as I do. I hope you find it worth your wait. Next chappie up as soons a possible!

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

Chapter 17: Torture

The scalpel lightly scraped across my skin, I felt the blood trickle down my side. I was biting my bottom lip to keep from screaming. They always say the first cut is the deepest. Just seconds ago, Akito had placed a blindfold over my eyes, which had surprised me. I thought he would want me to see everything he was doing to me. . .and then I felt it. Another wetness upon my back. Cold, in comparison to my burning blood and too high up to have come from me. Then I heard the sniff, the sloppy kind full of snot and heartbreak. It was a tear.

Another contact of metal, but it just sat there, not even breaking the skin.

"You will proceed, or I will finish it,. . .and you know that I will do my worst."

Akito's voice from across the room. . .but then,

who. . . I didn't need to finish the question. I already knew the answer.

"Yu. . .Yuki?"

A pain wracked sob came from above me.

"YOU WILL REMAIN SILENT UNTIL SPOKEN TO, COW!"

No, no, please. I could deal with the monster hurting me. . .but not this. . .please, I can't take this.

"Proceed now, my pet. You both need to learn. You need to show him how much of a mistake it is to **FUCK!** with God. You will be my wrathful hand. DO IT NOW!" A controlled intake of breath, and long exhale. A moment later, after composure was made, "The more you delay, the longer it will take. Neither of you will be allowed to leave until I am completely satisfied that punishment has been dealt out. Now continue."

A sharp prick at the top of my spine, and a drag down all the way to my tailbone. The blazing agony made tears come to my eyes, soaking the blindfold. I don't know if they were from the incision, or the rain of tears that came from above me.

"Time to move on from that precise tool. I grow weary of these clean cuts. They are too neat for my taste."

I heard him set it down with a clatter, and the creasing of leather.

"Mmm, delicious selection. I see you remember my weapon of choice."

The CRACK as the whip slammed into my flesh, tearing into my skin, ripping anew the open wounds, flinging blood across the walls.

And then, the breaking point. All composure and self-restraint was lost.

"YES! YES, SHOW HIM HOW WRONG HE WAS TO FUCK WITH ME! YOU DON'T TOUCH WHAT IS NOT YOURS! YOU DESERVE THIS! YOU DESERVE TO SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! YOU DESERVE TO FEEL THE PAIN THAT LIFE IS! YOU DESERVE THIS!"

Over and over and over again, until I didn't even know anything except the pain. The pounding pain, the agony that went all the way into my soul. With every crack, I felt a piece of it fly away with my blood, stripping it down to the very core. I'm not sure how long this went on. I held no perception of time, but it felt like an eternity.

Everything I had cared for, everything I had held on for, was being torn away with my flesh. I had lost Yuki. I had lost everything. I had nothing anymore. I was nothing anymore.

I had lost any sense of holding back. I screamed from my very essence over and over and over again, matching the crack of the whip.

A moan of satisfaction from across the room, then another long inhale and exhale.

"Alright, that's enough, for now."

A sigh of relief flooded out of Yuki. I felt tender fingers untie the bonds, my limbs flopped down to my sides. I felt my blindfold, likewise, being released, the same hands lovingly caressed my face. My eyelids fluttered open. Akito knelt beside me, his hands upon my face.

"I'm sorry to go to such extremes, but you must understand the importance of knowing your place,. . .which is below me. Have I made that _clear_ enough for _you_ to understand?"

I feebly nodded my head. He leaned in and awkwardly embraced me, trying not to touch my mutilated back. His lips touched my neck, then my ear.

"Remember this, cow. Even though I would hate to devastate one of our own,. . .I will not hesitate to mete out punishment to those who deserve it."

He let go of my body, letting it fall to the floor with a _THUMP_, and turned around and walked away. I just lay there, unable to move or protest. Yuki still stood there, holding the whip, visibly shaking.

"Come along Yuki. The cow will need his healing time."

He turned around to follow Akito, and then looked back at me. Tears were streaming down his angelic face, apology shining through the window of lamentation. Then, he continued out of the room, and I was left alone with my anguish, the affliction of my soul.


	18. Recovery

A/N: See, I promised a sooner update, and I actually delivered! I believe I deserve some cookies! Or at least some pie. . .No? Ok, well, I guess I'll just take what I can get. Please review and let me know what you think! Flames will be ridiculed, constructive criticism considered and open for discussion. Thank you all for sticking with me!

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

Chapter 18: Recovery

A blur of white, and a voice:

"Haru. . .Haru, can you hear me? Oh, god, he's gone to far this time. . .Don't worry Haru, I'm here to help. I'll, . . .I'll make you better."

A pair of strong arms wrap my bloody shell of a body, and the movement makes me scream out.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" My voice scratchy and hoarse from my earlier pain-wracked shrieks.

"I have to move you, in order to treat your wounds."

"I, I don't d-deserve to be tr-treated. J-Just leave me." My voice turned into a coarse whisper, barely audible, full of phlegm and tears. The effort of my sobs tore every ounce of strength out of my wrecked body, and I slipped into unconsciousness. My cold tears still present on my cheeks.

------------------------

I awake, on my stomach, needles and bandages restraining me as much as the leather bonds did. It's hot. I'm boiling up and out of my body. I feel light as air, and yet immensely heavy, all twisted up together. I try to move, but my body doesn't listen to the commands of my brain. I can hear the _beep, beep_ of the machines around me. I pry open my eyes, but everything's hazy and fuzzy and nothing makes any sense.

"Wh-Where am I?" My voice barely a whisper, so much so I can hardly hear it myself.

"You're safe Haru. You're in the hospital wing of the honke. With Akito's illnesses, we had this wing made so that I could have all of the necessary equipment to take care of him. . .and those around him. You need your rest. You're probably feeling the effects of the morphine I gave you. Just let it lead you into sleep. You need it."

So, I close my eyes it feels so good to have that reassuring hand on my head, pushing my hair back, that I can't help it. I do exactly as I am told.

-----------------------------

When I awake, nothing's changed. I am still lying on my stomach. I guess with the beating I took, that's only natural. I don't think I'll ever sleep on my back again. Everything is pristine and white, except for the blood covered bandages sitting next to me on counter. Like everything else, I've tainted the room, the atmosphere, the calm. The stain of my blood is evident almost everywhere I am able to turn my head and see.

Then, the physical washes away with the turmoil of the mind. My entire being, my whole life has been made absolutely meaningless. Amazing how you realize how good you had it when it's gone. Well, hindsight. . .What is there left for me now? Yuki is even more far away from me now than before, and Aya is not even an option anymore. Momiji gave up on me weeks ago. Heh, I've dug my self into my own hole. I don't have anyone. Why didn't he just kill me? Bring about the wrathful vengeance of God.

The door opens, and in walks a nurse I haven't ever seen before.

"Oh, good, you're awake. You have a visitor."

What! Who would care enough to come see me?

And then, there she is, all smiles and happiness and I despise her.

-----------------------------------------

I bet you weren't expecting that. HAHAHAHAHA! Wait until next chapter to find out why Tohru is here. . .and the chaos that ensues. . .


	19. Breaking Point

A/N: Ok, so not as soon as I said, but still better than what I have been doing. Please review and let me know what you guys think. I think you'll be pleased with where this is going. I've been doing a lot of plot planning and I think I know where I want to end this monster of genius. (Sorry, a little bit of conceitedness ) Anywho, enjoy and review!!

Chapter 19: Breaking Point

"Oh my gosh, Haru!. . .How're you feeling? You look pretty bad. But I probably shouldn't have said that, huh? Sorry, my bedside manner needs some work, obviously."

Her voice hurts my head and her smile is sickening. How can someone be that naïve and ignorant of the pain around her?

"So, umm,. . .I just came by to see how you were doing. Yuki told me that you were hurt and I wanted to see if there was anything that I could do. He wanted to be here, but he wasn't able to make it. Something to do with Akito."

I want to shut her up. She's making it worst. Why can't she just leave me alone? And the darkness builds up almost to breaking point. The last thing I need is for her to be sitting there, all happy and fucking sunshine when I'm miserable and aching and fucking beat within an inch of my life.

"Anyways, I brought you some strawberries from his garden, they should make you feel little better. Whenever, I get hurt I always-"

_CRACK!_

"OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! What the fuck are you EVEN doing here? You barely even know me. I would think you take advantage of this time and go after him, just like you always wanted to! God, you are SO disgusting!!! You think you can come into this family and make everything better, don't you?!?! Well, I'm sorry to burst your fucking bubble, little girl, but that is not how things work in the real world! The real world is full of torture, and not just the physical, oh, no that would be too nice. The thing that really fucks you up is when they invade your soul and suck it dry. You don't have any idea of what that's like! YOU'VE HAD A BRUSH AGAINST PAIN COMPARED TO WHAT THEI PIECE OF SHIT WORLD HAS DEALT ME! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID LITTLE DELUDED GIRL!!!"

The world is a blur of red and black. I don't know what's going on. I just know I heard myself snap. I had never felt this before. This rage, this pain, it had built up too much. I didn't even have control. I just knew that I was running. Running away from her, from what I had done, and from what the world.

A/N: Intense, and yes, I know, it is pretty short, but this chapter had to be. Review and let me know what you think. Oh yah, by the way. I already know I'm evil; you don't have to tell me.


End file.
